Olympic Red Eye Madness

I’ve spent the last few days watching countless hours of fantasy football reports. ESPN.com has been my Mecca and Mathew Berry has been my Dalai Lama. I’ve been looking at last year stats, this year’s schedule and breaking down every position and every player like I’m looking for the Green River Killer. But after the twentieth straight hour of researching and smelling slightly better than Arty Lang after a binge, I realized a few things:

A) I don’t like fantasy football. I don’t like rooting for anyone who is playing the Browns and/or is in the same conference as the Browns.

B) Every fantasy football league has different rules and different scoring systems. Some leagues have 8 teams, others have 10. Some let you start two Qbs, others let you start only one. And some leagues value WRs over QBs, others value QBs over RBs.

C) Finally, the decision to rank fantasy players was a stupid idea in the first place and turned out to be a waste of time. There are too many first tier players that have nagging injuries and too many second tier players are still fighting for a starting job.

I went cold turkey this morning at 8 A.M. but I couldn’t sleep. The caffeine cocktail of espresso and Monster had me wired like a three year old. Sleeping was out of the question so I searched the 1000+ channels I have for basic cable classics such as Road House, Point Break and Red Dawn. Unfortunately it was too early for even Spike TV to air Patrick Swayze marathons of movies “that are so terribly bad that they are legendary”. The good news was that CNBC, MSNBC and USA Network were covering the Olympics and combined, helped to fill the void of crappy 80’s movies. After watching a few hours of Olympics, I couldn’t believe some of the garbage “activities” that are considered “Olympic Sports”. So it got me thinking about which of these so-called-sports should go and the sports that should replace them.

Sports less entertaining and relevant than Tyler Perry

Table Tennis

Two things that bother me about table tennis besides the obvious lack of physical ability required to play table tennis. One: anything that is listed on a clipboard of activities in retirement homes can not be an Olympic sport. Two: Forest Gump excelled in table tennis but got to the fifth grade based on his mother’s morally casual attitude. I really don’t know how the Olympic Committee is passing table tennis of as a sport. If they are going to call this “an Olympic sport” why not toss in pool and darts? At least these “athletes” have cool nicknames like “black widow”.

Shooting and Archery

You know what’s more boring than New Yankee Workshop with Norm Abram? Twenty or so men and women who look like Norm Abram wearing flannel from head to toe shooting air soft pistols and arrows. Shooting and archery are separate events but lets call a spade a spade; they are the same god awful thing. Charles Heston is smoking a filtered light cigarette in Hell because he made a bet that no one cared about people shooting an air pistol or an arrow at a stationary target. At least give the shooters a hand-cannon like a Desert Eagle that has some kick and make the archers’ shoot a deer. No instead they are shooting air soft pistols that wouldn’t scare Woody Allen and arrows that haven’t been relevant since 17^th century.

Synchronized Swimming

Anything that Vegas uses to greet old white people as they arrive off Greyhound Buses can not be considered an Olympic sport. Seriously it is a glorified doggy paddle. I could write thirty pages on why synchronized swimming is neither a sport nor swimming. But I think the more important issue here is; who dreams of becoming an Olympic synchronized swimmer? More than likely they were forced into this “sport” at an early age by psychotic underachieving parents who failed at their own dreams.

Equestrian

Should the Westminster Dog Show be apart of the Olympics? No! And neither should a horse show which is what equestrian is. This is the only Olympic sport that can truly remove the word “sport” from the title. The jockeys do as much physical activity as Chris “Jesus” Ferguson does during the World Series of Poker. Good call on the Olympic Committee on getting rid of baseball and softball in favor for a pony show. This really boosts the ratings in the “I don’t know where the remote is but I’m too high to care or move” demographic.

The Modern Pentathlon

I know atheists don’t believe in a God but they will at least believe in be in a Satan after watching the modern pentathlon. This is the “Murderers Row” of worthless Olympic sports; shooting, fencing, swimming and equestrian. Seriously, what is the reason for this being an Olympic sport? In case a nuclear winter happens and we have to resort to 11^th century technology? Who in the hell says, “you know what? After I shoot an air pistol there is nothing better than fighting a person with another non-lethal weapon, taking a swim and riding a horse? If they got rid of the modern pentathlon, the Summer Olympics could get rid of 90% of the Olympic events that the participants would choose waterboarding over watching. The modern pentathlon is the “worst of all worlds” it combines sports that no one cares about but tries to save face by including swimming. Nothing annoys more than people trying to defend the modern pentathlon because “it is tradition”. Like Bob Dylan said in the 60’s, “the times they are a changing”. People care about the tradition of modern pentathlon like they care about the tradition of hunting and gathering; not really.

Who does Charlie Sheen have to bang to get these sports in the Olympics?

Golf

Ten years ago I thought golf was as interesting as fly fishing. Now I have to admit I love me some golf…as long as Tiger is playing. Watching Tiger Woods dominate the US Open on one leg was amazing. I mean doesn’t Tiger Woods deserve a shot at a gold medal? Someone needs to get on this and make this happen because the next summer Olympics are in Great Britain. Name a better place to bring back golf as an Olympic sport. Also not every country in the world has basketball courts or volleyball pits. But I can guarantee every country in the world has a golf course. I bet even Kim Jong-il plays a round of 18. Just don’t mark the bogeys or you might have to take a math “re-education” course at “summer camp”.

Rally Car

When I lived in Italy racing was second best only to soccer. Not the “lets see who can go the fastest around a circle for 8 hours” NASCAR racing. It was all Formula 1 and rally car. Rally car was by far the most entertaining and the most intense. These guys race on course that is a mix between street and off-road tracks. They hit a 35 foot gap on the street course than have to slide around mountainside corners at about 60 MPH. Rally car is raced all around the world and there is no excuse for this not to be an Olympic sport. Especially when there are horses jumping 5 foot high obstacles. There are virtually no human elements involved in equestrian where as if the rally car driver doesn’t hit each turn exactly right; the driver and co-driver will meet their medical insurance co-pay.

Rugby

This is another sport that I can’t wrap my head around why it is not an Olympic sport. What more can you ask for on an entertainment level? Rugby is basically a tougher, more physical and quicker version of football. And the whole world actually plays it! You can’t tell me that more people would watch the gold medal round of synchronized swimming over a qualifying round of rugby. This is another sport that would be great to bring back at the 2012 games in London. Too bad it won’t happen because shooting an air pistol is more athletically challenging.

Skateboarding

There is legitimate hope for skateboarding becoming an Olympic event. Snowboarding is working out in the winter Olympics and BMX racing was interesting to watch this year. But nothing can compare to the skateboarding half-pipe and big air. Skateboarding at that level makes all other sports seem doable. I have a better chance of beating Michael Phelps than jumping a 70 ft gap and doing a 1080 off a 27 ft high quarter-pipe. I honestly don’t know how those guys do it. It just seems impossible to do and unthinkable to try. Charlie Sheen if you’re listening… I don’t care if it is Bea Arthur; suck it up, take one for the team and make it happen.

Dear Phil Savage,

            I watched the preseason game yesterday against the Giants and it was awful. I know you went home last night, put a gun in your mouth and thought about pulling the trigger. But it wasn’t as bad as you think…well some of it was, but just hear me out. So put the gun down. I’ll get all the bad stuff out of the way first and work my way towards the positives so I can give you a reason to live.

            I’m sorry but Eric Wright has to go. There is no other way around this. He made Domenik Hixon look like a hall of fame wide receiver. He was burnt on every single play and gave up 53 yards on a pass interference call trying to make up for Hixon blowing by him. Don’t let him fool you like Dustin Fox fooled Jim Tressel into believing he was a good cornerback because of his “clutch” interception. If he wasn’t wearing brown pants, there would have been stain on his backside after coming down with the interception. So just get it over with already. Trade Eric Wright to the Canton Legends for a years worth of laundry detergent and practice jerseys and call it a “win-win”.

            I also don’t understand how good the special teams are on receiving kicks and how bad they are defending kicks. Seriously Phil, they are somewhere in between completely worthless and functionally retarded when it comes to defending kickoffs and punts. This can’t continue to happen with a team struggling to defend the #3 and #4 wide receivers with their first team secondary. Either get them on a steady diet of HGH and horse steroids or just tell Romeo to kick the ball out of bounds every time until you are able to address this area.

            The Browns’ held the Giants starting running backs to just under 3.5 yards per carry; which was good for the Browns. I know they didn’t have Shaun Rogers in there but I still have to give them the stink-eye. Third down runs by the Giants proved once again the Browns aren’t ready to flip the switch completely on run defense. I know this isn’t your fault Phil because you did the work and addressed this area. I just wanted to bring this up so I could tell you that Willie McGinest still isn’t getting to the ball.

            I know you and Rob Chudzinksi are tight but you got to do something for me. Please tell him that a pass play on first down does not have to automatically translate into a run play on second down. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to vomit last night knowing that the G-Men were waiting for the run after a first down incomplete pass. Predictability killed the Browns late last year after defenses finally figured this out. Which brings me to another part of the offense; the offensive line.    

            The offensive line looked overmatched against the Giants. They couldn’t pick up Umenyiora or Wynn coming off the ends. If this continues Jamal Lewis isn’t going to look forward to his 20+ carries each game. And Derek Anderson is just going to hand over the starting job to Brady Quinn if this continues. Maybe you mentioned to Romeo “I know I just signed DA to a monster contract but I might not have to pay him all that money and could trade him for some help in the secondary if he ‘happened to get hurt’ because the line can’t protect him.” If you did and the o-line’s subpar performance was because of some diabolical plan then kudos; it worked. If you didn’t, well then the o-line needs to step-up or DA needs to step-out.   

            Speaking of Derek Anderson, I know you are getting a lot of crap for not trading him and going with Quinn. At the end of last year, I was with you on resigning DA. He was an all-pro and the closest thing to a QB that the Browns have had since Bernie. But he didn’t look sharp in almost two quarters of play. He was throwing behind receivers and was doing a rendition of the river dance in the pocket. DA also didn’t look like he knew who he was going to throw the ball to. This could turnout to be a huge problem for the offense.

But there is some good news. Labeling DA with a concussion was smart. This allows Brady Quinn to start the third preseason game with the first team while not hurting DA’s feelings. Confidence is a big factor in a QB’s ability. Right now I would just keep spoon feeding DA with compliments and pray that you don’t have to make the decision to pull him in favor of Quinn. But you also got to have the testicular fortitude to get DA out of Cleveland before he does more harm than good like Chaz Frye. 

Don’t spend time worry about Jamal Lewis, Kellen Winslow and Dante Stallworth. Worry about signing Syndric Steptoe to a long term deal before you have to pay him a bunch of money two years from now. Having him and Cribbs back for kickoffs will ensure starts at the 40 yard line. Also, I’m not sure you want Travis Wilson as the number three receiver until Joe Jurevicius comes back sometime before midway through the season. Steptoe proved last night and against the Jets that he deserves a contract as well as playing time. And you can never count out a guy with an unbelievable name like Syndric Steptoe. It is just too good to pass up.

I’m going to take back what I said a few days ago about Charles Ali at fullback. He looks like he can fill the shoes of Vickers. He’s got quick feet, can pick up pass blocks and catches well in the flats. He just has to fine tune his run blocking abilities. Once he does that, it won’t matter if Vickers can play every down, just one down; third. 

            I know that majority of bashes have been directed towards the Browns’ starters and most of my praise has been towards the reserves. But I did see some good things out of some starters. Cribbs was amazing as usual and I hope his ankle injury is nothing serious. I like Syndric Steptoe’s ability as a special teams’ specialist but in a “Tori filling in for Kelly in Saved By the Bell” kind of way; not as hot as Kelly, still would rather have her over Tori but can’t bitch about it.

            Kellen Winslow looked solid turning up field and not allowing anyone to stop him from reaching the first down. He is going to be the go-to-guy on third down that is for sure. Dante Stallworth wasn’t that productive last night but don’t worry, your investment will workout. Stallworth was a product of his environment last night. No Braylon Edwards to help take some defensive pressure off combined with DA making poor decisions screwed Dante. But he was ready to play. Oh yeah I know you’re happy with the wide receivers you’ve got but Anquan Boldin wants out of Arizona. So why don’t you work your magic like you did with Leigh Bodden. Sell Eric Wright as better than he really is and go after Anquan Boldin.

            Sean Jones and Brodney Pool were also ready to play. They were using the “hit stick” button on every person that came near them along with Andre Davis. Kris Griffen was also busy making a name for himself. Mike Adams wanted to make someone bleed. He has the ability to fill in for Brodney Pool if Pool decides to return to his old ways. Also if Sean Jones snaps and ends up decapitating Eric Wright, A.J. Davis looks capable of taking over the role as starting cornerback.

            To sum things up, it was a week two preseason game against a team the Browns will see in week 6. I hoping the game plan wasn’t to show too much on either side of the ball. So who cares about happened? It’s just the preseason…right? Anyway I wouldn’t be concerned about what the Browns showed last night because the offense and the defense weren’t at 100%. The Browns showed (through other means besides their playing ability) that they are ready to fight on defense. This is the main concern going into the season; the Browns’ all-around soft defense play. But I’ll get back with you about it after the first game of the regular season. We’ll talk then about how the Browns can’t play in front of a national audience.

 

Sincerely,

Jeff B.

 

P.S.

If you know Chris Berman, tell him to go back, back, back, back, back, back to stocking shelves at Wal-Mart after stating the Seahawks are Super Bowl contenders.   

Preview of the 2008 Cleveland Browns

Back in 2005, The Cincinnati Bengals surprised everyone by going 11-5 and winning the AFC North. They were led by first year starter Carson Palmer who was heading into his third year with the Bengals. Wide receivers Chad Johnson, T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Chris Henry all had breakout years. Rudi Johnson established himself as a premier running back. Their defense gave up a ton of yards but their explosive offense could make up for it. Does this sound familiar? It should because the 2007 Browns were the mirror image of the 2005 Bengals. The Bengals dropped to 8-8 the following season and finished the ’07 season 7-9. But before I get into wins and losses, here are some things about the Browns that I know are good, some things I know are bad and some things I don’t have a f’n clue about.

The Offense

The Good News

The Browns have an offense line that would rather trade places with Marsellus Wallace in Zed’s basement than allow a sack. They only allowed 19 sacks last year compared to the 54 allowed in ’06. The left side of the line is especially good with Steinbach and Thomas serving up more pancakes than Prince. The right side with Shaffer and Hadnot is not as talented but I’d rather have the right side weaker than the left. The left side protects Anderson’s blindside so he doesn’t have to worry about being buried next to Tim Couch’s corpse.

Opposing secondary’s are going to be gassed early and often with the addition of Dante Stallworth. He is lighting fast and will be lined up opposite of Braylon Edwards for the most part. Defenses are going to have a Sophie’s Choice on their hands because they can’t double team both Stallworth and Edwards. If they do it means one-on-one linebacker coverage for Joe Jurevicius and/or Kellen Winslow. You can cover Jurevicius with a linebacker because he runs as fast as Forest Gump with knee braces. But linebackers will still have to cover him soft because Jurevicius hits his routes better than any receiver on the team. And defenses learned last year that covering Winslow one-on-one with a linebacker doesn’t really work. Winslow doesn’t drop passes and turns up field like defenders are trying to stop him from scoring crystal meth.

I also really like the way Jamal Lewis looks right now. He is at least a step quicker than he was last year. Also because of the Browns’ receivers, defenses can’t bank on putting eight guys in the box on third and three. And they can’t stack the line anymore on first and second down because the Browns have a QB who can pass the ball to someone that can actually catch. Instead of like when the QB was too busy getting sacked and the receivers swatted down balls like CBs. He’s also going to get a lot of help on his way to 1500 yards from Jason Wright and Jerome Harrison. The reason why the Browns’ running game didn’t work in the past was because they had no relief. The “every down back” was literally the every down back. Whoever it was would just get abused like Tina Turner. Not to mention the fact that runs to the left will result in at least three yards a carry with Steinbach and Thomas leading the way.

The Bad News Browns

Injuries are as common to the Browns as herpes outbreaks are to Paris Hilton. Rookie tight end Martin Rucker is going to be out 4-6 weeks. Jurevicius, Edwards, Winslow, Steve Heiden and fullback Lawrence Vickers are a little banged up right now too. I’m not really worried about Winslow because he would play through leukemia. Edwards’ injury doesn’t seem to be much of anything.

But I am worried about Jurevicius, Heiden and Vickers. Jurevicius can not be out of the lineup come opening day. The offense will not work with Travis Wilson as the third receiver. With the injury to Martin Rucker, Heiden has to be in the lineup as well because Winslow can’t run block and is involved too much in the passing game to be wasted as a pass blocker.

And Vickers blocks harder upfront than the fat chick at the bar with her hot friends. Not having him in the lineup would be a bigger blow to the Browns than not having Jurevicius, Heiden and Edwards healthy. Little things the Browns did well last year like running in between the tackles, screens and play action will be non existent.

The Ifs, Ands, or Buts

I don’t know what to make of Derek Anderson. His TD to INT ratio last year was 29/19 but 10 of his interceptions came in the last seven weeks of the season. In his first seven games as the starter he averaged 275 yards and 2.3 TDs a game. In his last seven games he averaged 222 yards and 1.3 TDs. So either defenses started to figure out his throwing patterns or he’s not a finisher. But then again he looked good in the preseason opener verses the Jets. So as of right now, how he will perform this year is a toss-up like Michael Ian Black’s sexuality. Thankfully, Brady Quinn is the number two and not Ken Dorsey.

Braylon Edwards is another if, and, or but. He is a phenomenal receiver…if the ball is thrown no where near him. Last year it seemed like any ball thrown dead on to him he dropped it. But a ball thrown towards Big Dawg was a guaranteed catch. This makes third and five yards or longer a little more difficult. Anderson can’t count on Edwards to make the play every time and has to rely on Winslow. Defenses should quickly pick up on this and will force Winslow to go inside over the middle. Winslow is the toughest player in the NFL and catches nearly every ball but constantly getting cracked coming across the middle isn’t going to be good for his longevity.

Staying healthy isn’t Dante Stallworth’s forte. He has only played every game in three out of his six seasons. If he gets hurt and misses five or six games, the Browns will miss the playoffs. Their offense is designed for legitimate NFL starters not arena league backups. That is why they went out and got Stallworth instead of just saying “F it” will make due with Travis Wilson. Losing Stallworth for five or six games, for this season, would be worse than having to listen to Tim McCarver roast Joe Buck.

The Defense

The Good News

“Big” Ted Washington’s corpse finally decomposed and now the Browns got two D-linemen that can actually play in Corey Williams and Shaun Rogers. The good news is that Washington died and is no longer apart of the Browns. The better news is that he didn’t want to go alone so he took Todd Grantham and his prevent defense with him. The Browns’ defense last year was God awful thanks mostly to Grantham. I can’t count how many times I wanted to vomit on third downs last year. I knew Washington wasn’t going to do anything except for have a heart attack while Grantham had the defense lineup in a dime on third and two. Thankfully things will be different this year.

Corey Williams has had back to back 7 sacks and 35 tackles seasons and last year Shaun Rogers had his best year since 2004 with 39 tackles and 7 sacks. Last year Ted Washington and his obese partner Orpheus Roye combined for 43 tackles and a whopping 0 sacks. Now the Browns have Williams, Rogers and Robaire Smith’s 56 tackles and 4 sacks upfront in the 3-4. Figure in the linebacker core of Willie McGinest/Antwon Peek, Andre Davis, D’Qwell Jackson’s 101 tackles and Kamerlon Wimbley; all of a sudden the Browns can…dare I say…stop the run!?

The Browns being able to stop the run is huge for this defense. I’m not sure that they can stop the pass yet but having half the equation is better than having none. I can’t remember the last time the Browns have been able to call playing the other side of the ball “defense”. In years past, “defense” has been a synonym for “the rape of the willing”. The addition of Williams and Rogers will allow the Browns to do something they haven’t tried in six years; put pressure on the QB. Stopping the run is a huge part to playing in the AFC North. But applying pressure to the QB is something that has to happen if the Browns want to be contenders for the AFC title. The addition of Williams and Rogers will allow for more blitzing packages that actually work because opposing offensive lines won’t be able to single block the Browns D-line anymore. This will create opportunities for the linebackers to find space to get to the QB.

Speaking of creating opportunities, Sean Jones is back this year. This guy is going to be the glue of the Browns’ secondary. Last year he had 96 tackles and 5 interceptions. Translation: Sean Jones is cracking receivers over the middle and forcing receivers to cut their routes short. He can single handily change the pace of the game with his hard sticks. Also he can provide some relief for Eric Wright who was burnt on 90% of the plays last year.

The Bad News Browns

Eric Wright is a bigger liability at the cornerback position than a 7/11 next to a crack house. The only difference is that Wright couldn’t rob a wide receiver let alone a 7/11. Last year he had 76 tackles which ranked him fifth overall amongst the Browns’ defenders. Anytime a team’s cornerback is ranked in the top five in the tackling category it means that the cornerback is not defending the pass but rather the yards after the reception. Stopping a wide receiver after the catch is the job of the safeties. Cornerbacks make sure the pass isn’t completed in the first place. Not to mention he had only one interception and forced zero fumbles. I know he was a rookie last year but that doesn’t mean he is going to be a great defender now that he isn’t a rookie.

Willie McGinest also worries me. If he was a horse, he would have been put down last year. I think he is getting a pass as the “proven veteran guy”. Too bad he hasn’t proven much in recent history. Hopefully Antwon Peek will take over the majority of the playing time after the week five bye. If not prepare for teams to take advantage of the flats.

I’m also going to toss in Brandon McDonald into “The Bad News Browns” category strictly based on experience. I feel like he isn’t as bad as Eric Wright but doesn’t have enough experience yet to be in “The Ifs, Ands, or Buts”. Basically he didn’t standout last year and probably won’t this year. And being as weak as the Browns are at the cornerback position means a lot more “Jesus Christ I have to make the f’n play again!” time for Sean Jones and Brodney Pool.

The Ifs, Ands, or Buts

I know earlier I was dry humping Shaun Rogers’ leg like a dog in heat but there are still a few question marks surrounding him. After seven seasons in the league and at age 29, one of two things happens to defensive linemen. Either they peak or they end up hosting late night talk shows on the NFL Network praying for CBS to finally fire Shannon Sharpe for speaking a mix of Klingon and gibberish. One thing for sure is that he isn’t going to have an average year. It is either going to be a success or a failure.

Brodney Pool is another “I don’t know what the F is going to happen” player. Last year he had 58 tackles and 2 INTs. The problem is that he doesn’t have the show of force like Sean Jones. And he has the tendency to take a few plays off here and there. But the upside is that this will be his second season as the fulltime starter. And even though he only had two picks last year, he had one for a TD and averaged 52 yards off those interceptions.

The biggest wild card for the Browns’ defense isn’t even a player. It is the new defensive coordinator Mel Tucker. Tucker was the defensive backs coach and co-defensive coordinator for Ohio State from 2001-2004. Bottom line, this guy knows how defensive should be played. When the Buckeyes won the National Championship in 2002, they had one hell of a defense; Donnie Nickey, Will Allen, Tim Anderson, Cie Grant, A.J. Hawk, Matt Wilhelm, Will Smith, Simon Fraser, Bobby Carpenter, Mike Doss and Chris Gamble (Dustin Fox was there just prove white people should never ever play cornerback).

The Browns on the other hand do not have one hell of a defense but do have the black version of Dustin Fox in Eric Wright. They also have a tough safety in Sean Jones, a tougher line than last year and a good set of linebackers. But what they don’t have, that the Buckeyes had, is speed and depth. So I don’t really know how Tucker is going to play the defense. But if he helped to establish the Buckeyes as a dominant defense, hopefully he can do the same with the Browns.

Special Teams

The Good News

Josh Cribbs, Josh Cribbs, Josh Cribbs and Josh Cribbs. I really think Cribbs was underrated last year solely based on everyone saying Devin Hester was the best kick/punt returner. Seriously, Chris Hansen couldn’t catch Cribbs. But whenever the question, “Who’s better Hester or Cribbs” was asked on FOX, Terry Bradshaw would throw up his arms, shake his head vigorously like he was Hulk Hogan “Hulking Up” to get out of a sleeper hold and scream “Who’s better! How bout who in the NFL is not better than Hester or Cribbs! I’ll tell you what I do know! Howie over here couldn’t tackle either one!” three seconds of fake laughs, followed up by dead silence and Bradshaw putting on his serious face, “Joshua Cribbs is a great young talent but Devin Hester is simply unbelievable. The things he does out on the football field…no one in the NFL can imitate. He’s a special, special, kid.”

But the numbers don’t lie and Josh Cribbs was clearly better than Hester:

Kickoff/Punt	Yds	Avg	20+	40+	TD/Fum
Cribbs	2,214	22.1	55	9	3/4
Hester	1,585	18.6	30	6	6/7

So F Terry Bradshaw, F Howie Long, F Jimmy Johnson, Frank Caliendo—you’re cool, and F Devin Hester…Josh Cribbs is the best kickoff/punter in the NFL and will prove it again this year.

Another piece of good news for the Browns’ special teams is Phil Dawson. I think he proved last year that he was a clutch kicker and could nail the field goal with the game on the line (The Oakland game never happened much like The Godfather III never happened). There is one downside to Phil Dawson; he hasn’t utilized the ‘70s kicker power mustache. Phil Savage should restructure the remaining two years on his contract to include a “no shaving of the stache” clause.

The Bad News Browns

The punt coverage was pretty bad last year. They could make Ralphie May look like Cribbs. This really killed the Browns’ defense. They weren’t good to begin with and giving up field position like the coverage unit did, didn’t help the cause. Basically, punt coverage is the Browns’ Achilles heel and could screw them again this year. If the Browns can’t figure out how to cover punts, good teams like the Cowboys, Colts, Steelers and Titans are going to take advantage of them like R. Kelly at the Junior Prom.

Outlook

After studying the schedule more than I’ve ever studied for an exam, I don’t think it is as tough as people have been making it out to be. There are only four teams with the ability to contain the Browns’ offense; The Dallas Cowboys, Pittsburgh Steelers, Tennessee Titans and Indianapolis Colts. I thought the Cowboys secondary was overrated last year, but the addition of Pacman Jones and his ability to make it rain should toughen up that secondary. The Steelers always play tough against the Browns and for some reason the Browns can never figure out their defense. The Titans front four of Vanden Bosch, Brown, Haynesworth and Kearse will be the Browns’ O-line biggest test. Also Harper and Finnegan at the corners without a doubt will be contesting every pass play. The Colts are just a little better at the corners compared to the Titans and have a better linebacker core. But every other team has a defense lesser than or equal to the Browns.

The Ravens just resigned Terrell Suggs but as we saw last year, their defense no longer has Dirk Diggler like stamina. The Bengals are currently filming a TV reality show spinoff of The Longest Yard from the Ohio State Penitentiary. The Giants looked good last year but like how Frank The Tank looked smart answering James Carville. The Redskins couldn’t stop Shaun Alexander and Matt Hasselbeck who were trading shocks on the deliberator to stay alive during the playoffs. The Jaguars never play well until week 10. The Broncos, Bills, Texans and Eagles are just plain awful on defense. Charles Manson has a better chance of getting paroled than any of those teams making defensive stands against the Browns.

The Browns’ defense shouldn’t get as abused as they did last year. They play seven games against teams that will cause problems for the Browns’ defense; The Dallas Cowboys, Cincinnati Bengals (2x), Houston Texans, Indianapolis Colts, and the Tennessee Titans. But I think the Browns’ offense will be able to bail them out against the Bengals and Texans. The Cowboys game will be a shootout. But I think the Colts are much better on both sides of the ball and it will take a miracle for the Browns to takeout the Colts. And if the Browns can stop the Titans running game and force Vince Young to throw the pass; the Browns could sneak out a win against them. So here is my prediction for the 2008 Cleveland Browns:

11-5

AFC North Champs

2^nd round playoff loss against either the Titans or Colts