Who Are You?

I think that pretty much sums the past week in the NFL. There wasn’t one team this past week that didn’t leave Sunday or Monday the way they came in. Well…other than the Bungals and the Seahawks. It was just a weird weekend. This is exactly why I don’t place friendly wagers on the first two weeks. And this week is no different. There are a lot “come on…you know you want to” Vegas lines. The top teams are still shaking off the rust while the bottom teams are stealing your wallets. So who are you?

Oakland Raiders at Kansas City Chiefs (-3.5)
Wow JaMarcus Russell did not look impressive and neither did the rest of the Raiders. The good news is that they are playing the Chiefs this week. If the Raiders don’t win this week, I’m hopping in the DeLorean, erasing my Raiders playoff pick, changing it to the Jets and pretending like it never happened.

Tennessee Titans at Cincinnati Bunglas (-1)
Okay whoever is passing out the ether in Vegas is going to wake up Monday morning with his hands broken. How in the Hell are the Bungals favored? Did they throw for over 100 yards? Did they run for over a 100 yards? Did they allow Joe Flacco to run for a 38 yard touchdown? No, no and yes. I don’t care if Kerry “DUI” Collins is starting, if the Bungals offense couldn’t get it done against the Ravens’ defense they aren’t getting it done against the Titans.

Indianapolis Colts (-2) at Minnesota Vikings
The Vikings are another DeLorean team. The Packers showed last week how to beat the Vikings; force them to throw. The Colts weren’t consistent last week but this is a new week. I just don’t there is any way the Colts start out 0-2.

New Orleans Saints at Washington Redskins (pick)
I guess nobody saw the Saints or the Redskins last week. If they did they would have favored the Saints by 2.5 or 3. Since they didn’t see the Redskins not running the football, not passing and not playing defense; they made it a pick game. The Redskins are worse than I originally assumed but the Saints defense is better than I gave them credit for. They also decided that running Reggie Bush in between the tackles wasn’t smart and let him catch the ball on the run. This is good news for the Saints bad news for a slow Redskins’ defense.

Green Bay Packers (-3) at Detroit Lions
I know Aaron Rogers had a good game against the Vikings and the Lions looked like they were stoned against the Falcons. But I’m picking the Lions for a few reasons. One: I’m giving them one more week before I remember my golden rule to never pick the Lions. Two: Jon Kitna is a lot better than Jackson, has better weapons downfield and they will establish the run by passing. Three: the Packers played above their ability last week at home and I don’t see them continuing this trend. Either way I’m not sold on this pick and if you are “making friendly bets” on this game; don’t. This is a “stay the F away game” because both of these are question marks until after this game.

Chicago Bears at Carolina Panthers (-3)
Turns out I may have underestimated Jake Dellhomme and his newly reconstructed throwing arm. But I think I underestimated the Bears more. I didn’t see their defense stepping up like they did last week. And I should have considered Kyle Orton. He’s not a good quarterback; he’s not even an average quarterback. He just fits the mold of the Bears. It’s like he’s Bobby Boucher from The Waterboy. Lovie Smith just tells him not to blow it and Orton replies, “Coach, not only will I do it for you, I…I…I…yes, yes I’ll do it for you.” But if the Panthers win again without Steve Smith, I’ll convert into a Panthers believer.

New York Giants (-8.5) at St. Louis Rams
It’s now Eli “Did I win the Super Bowl and the first game” Manning. The Redskins lack of anything made Eli look better than he was. I’m going to go insane this week listening to announcers and analysts dry humping Eli. Saying things like, “He just has so much confidence right now and looked poised in the pocket. He’s just really coming into his own and has his team in Super Bowl form.” If any of the announcers or analysts on TV actually watched the games instead of just going off highlight reels; they’d see Eli is just a polished Kyle Orton.

Buffalo Bills at Jacksonville Jaguars (-8.5)
Really Jacksonville 33 total yards rushing? I know the Titans defense is good but that is embarrassing. Garrard had 156 yards passing and 2 picks. The Jags o-line got even more banged up. And the Bills pimped slapped the Seahawks last week. But the Jags are still getting 8.5? How does this add up? Well it doesn’t. Last week showed the Jaguars are playing cautious and the Bills are playing for respect. Respect the Toronto Bills.

Atlanta Falcons at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-7.5)
This is another stay away game. I don’t know what to make of the Falcons. I liked Michael Turner before the season and really like him after last week. Also I thought John Abraham was dead but I guess not. Joey Galloway, Maurice Stovall and Antonio Bryant are all questionable for the Bucs. And Jeff Garcia might not play. Bottom line the Bucs are giving up way too many points coming off a loss in addition to all the question marks.

San Francisco 49ers at Seattle Seahawks (-7)
Well Matt Hasselborg has a bulging disk in his back, Julius “Thank God someone was dumb enough to sign me” Jones at running back and don’t have Bobby Engram or Deion Branch. Oh yeah the “toughest defense in the league” gave up 34 points last week. What happened to them last week was amazing. I can’t wait for a week 2 repeat against a worse team.

Miami Dolphins at Arizona Cardinals (-6.5)
The Dolphins proved last week why they won only one game last year; they just know how to lose. Thomas “Wow I can’t believe me and my brother Julius are both starting” Jones ran for over a 100 yards last week. Jones isn’t even that good when he plays as himself in Madden. The Edge is way better than Jones and it is going to be another long run dominated game. Better luck next year Pennington.

New England Patriots at New York Jets (-1.5)
I know the Pats lost Brady but that doesn’t make the Jets favorites. If the Pats had Brady this would be another double digit spread. Brett Farve was throwing passes out of his ass that only work against crappy teams like the Dolphins. And when you bet against the Pats they make you pay. So I’m taking the Pats until they prove they suck without Brady.

Baltimore Ravens at Houston Texans (-4.5)
I’m going with the Texans. I’m not a 100% sure. I’m about 60% sure. But I’m going with the Texans because the Ravens offense is so God awful. Throwing for under 150 yards and rushing under 100 against one of the worst defenses in the league isn’t going to get it done against the Texans. If the Texans broke Big Ben they are going to punish Flacco like a prison inmate. The Texans will get an early lead and the Ravens won’t be able to come back.

San Diego Chargers (-1.5) at Denver Broncos
This is another huge surprise spread. If it was 3.5 I might go with the Broncos. I’m just not a Broncos believer. I think they took advantage of an unprepared Raiders team. LDT had a weak rushing/receiving game last week. That can only mean he is going to establish his dominance this week. I’m going with LDT and the same logic I used with the Colts; there is no way the Chargers are starting 0-2. Well—there is one way…somebody lets Norv Turner coach instead of telling him his job is to refill the Gatorade coolers.

Sunday Night

Pittsburgh Steelers (-6) at Cleveland Browns
Browns at home….Browns at home….Browns at home….That’s all I’m telling myself.

Monday Night

Philadelphia Eagles at Dallas Cowboys (-7)
Yes! Last week was diabolical. The Eagles blowout the Rams, McNabb has an amazing game; it was like a dream come true. This week the real Eagles show up and get shut down. McNabb will feel the heat. None of his crappy wide receivers will be open. And Westbrook won’t know which defender to run into. Marion Barber probably won’t play for the Cowboys but Felix Jones will. He is a better matchup against the Eagles defense anyway.

Last Week — 10-6