NFL Week 3: Tussin and Turning

The Browns lost on Sunday, I got sick on Monday and I lost power on Tuesday. A terrible start to the week but it’s all about how you finish. So with the help of virgin DayQuil daiquiris and Robitussin rum runners I’m back close to 100%. More importantly I’m ready for week 3. Week 3 in the NFL is the make or break week. This is when teams show their true colors. Are they playoff caliber? Or are they playing for the rights to Joe McKnight? Excluding the NFC/AFC West and the NFC North, this is the week the Pearl Jam’s separate themselves from the Jonas Brothers.

But there is something weird about this week. Every home team (minus Dallas) is favored to win. I don’t know how this happened and I don’t know if this will ever happen again. This is going to be the week of the upsets or the week Vegas rakes it in. If I am the handicapper at Caesars or MGM; I’m sacrificing my first born to the gambling Gods, chasing Pepto-Bismol with liquid morphine and waiting for the all-clear signal Tuesday morning. And just to air on the side of caution, I’ve cleared out my desk and put my resume on Monster. Because this week has upset, hangover high and “we’re only better than the crappy teams we’ve played so far” written all over it. My advice would be to stay away from nearly every game this week. But if you got the itch, here is how to scratch it. As always the winners are in ALL CAPS BOLD.

Kansas City Chiefs at ATLANTA FALCONS (-5.5)
The Chiefs are on a mission to get Joe McKnight first overall. But this week their goal is to let Michael Turner break his own Atlanta Falcon’s record and the NFL single game rushing record. Last week the Chiefs gave up a total of 300 yards on the ground to a team with three solid running backs. The Falcons only have one but it he is better than those three right now (Note: McFadden won’t be the next Barry Sanders; somebody will be the next McFadden). So it isn’t a stretch to think The Burner has a chance to break both records against the Kansas City Cant’s.

OAKLAND RAIDERS at Buffalo Bills (-9.5)
You could substitute both of these teams for the Cleveland Indians in the movie Major League. Lane Kiffin is basically out of a job if he loses another game badly…or just loses. The Bills have been mediocre at best since Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas left, resulting in their owners trying to relocate the team to Toronto. Both teams are playing for something and both teams have something to prove. I think the Bills will win this game but I don’t think by 9.5 points. I really have no logic behind this pick except that Trent Edwards can’t play like Peyton Manning every week.

Houston Texans at TENNESSEE TITANS (-5)
I do have some logic behind this game; it’s called the Titans’ defense. The Texans couldn’t move the ball against the Steelers and won’t move the ball against the Titans. I actually think this spread is too light. When is Vegas going to realize the Titans are in the top five in the league? My guess is when they are playing deep into January.

Cincinnati Bungals at NEW YORK GIANTS (-13.5)
(Vomiting into a trashcan because I can’t believe the F’n Giants’ schedule is so weak that it is making the Giants look good) Okay…(vomiting because I just heard another rant on how confident Eli looks after winning a Super Bowl). Okay…(vomiting again thinking about Chris Berman talking about The GMEN). Okay…(F it…I’m just going to move on so I can stop vomiting).

ARIZONA CARDINALS at Washington Redskins (-3)
I don’t know what to make the Redskins. They look terrible. They’ve play terrible. But I’m just not sure they are terrible. The opposite can be said for the Cardinals. They look good. They’ve played good. But I’m just not sure. This is the week we find out about both of these teams. If the Cardinals blowout the Redskins; the Redskins stink. If the Redskins keep it close; the Redskins are better than I thought. If the Redskins win outright; well then the Cardinals play in the NFC West.

Miami Dolphins at NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-12.5)
This is a lot of points for the Pats to cover. Thankfully Joey Porter decided to play the role of Clubber Lang and piss off Rocky. But unlike Rocky III¸ the Dolphins got handled the last time they played the Pats. So I’m going with the Pats because A) you don’t make the Pats mad, B) they haven’t lost a regular season game since 2006 and C) Belichick still has tape on Pennington and D) the tape on Pennington doesn’t matter because the Dolphins suck.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS at Chicago Bears (-3)
This is a “prove it” game. But it is also a redemption game. Brian “DUI” Griese is looking to prove to the Bears that he is better than Orton and redeem himself as a starting QB in the process. If the Bears would have been able to hold the Panthers last week, I would have gone with the Bears without even looking at the line. But since the line is close, both teams rely on their running backs and defenses to get the job done; I’m going with the points.

CAROLINA PANTHERS at Minnesota Vikings (-3.5)
The Panthers have been on a roll and now they get Steve Smith back. Yet somehow they aren’t favored to win? This line I don’t understand. I like the move to Gus Frerotte at QB but I don’t the Vikings without AP. Next week when AP is back and the Vikings have a QB that can actually make a decision, I’ll be back on the bandwagon. But you can’t give a 2-0 team that is getting back their best wide receiver 3.5 points against an 0-2 without their best player.

St. Louis Rams at SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-9.5)
The only question surrounding this game is; can the Seahawks cover? Even though Hasselborg is clinically dead, the Rams are out to prove that they will be getting the first pick in the draft—not the Chiefs. So they are going to suck it up and be extra sucky this week.

Detroit Lions at SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (-4)
Well leave it to the Lions to prove my playoff pick wrong…or will they? Two back alley abortions in a row for Lions make me really want to pick them this week. But I just can’t after they gave up against the Packers. Maybe this is the week the Lions try to stay alive but more than likely this is the week they pack it in. If they don’t start winning soon, Kitna is going to steal his own luggage to get out of Detroit.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS at Denver Broncos (-5.5)
I’m still not sold on the Broncos. Watching them play last week, you just knew they were going to win. And I know the Saints blew it last week. But 5.5 points? Really? The Broncos showed last week that they are the Browns of last year. They play shootout football because their defense can’t stop teams built to score and score quickly. That’s why they went for two. Well this week will be a mirror image of last week. If they win outright, it won’t be by much.

PITTSBURGH STEELERS at Philadelphia Eagles (-3.5)
Put the Eagles on the O’Reilly Factor because I’m not buying it. The Cowboys, once again, tried to lose the game with penalties but the Eagles would have none of it. I’m also not buying into the McNabb factor. He looked horrible in the 4^th quarter. The only thing I hate about this game is that Steelers are going to start out 3-0 and they are going to be tough to catch. God I hate both of these teams. I hope it goes into overtime and they tie.

Jacksonville Jaguars at INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-5)
The Jaguars stink on both sides of the ball. Any rust that was still on Peyton Manning’s arm is gone this week. Plus I’ll take the Colts at home any time, against any team—just as long as it is not the Pats.

CLEVELAND BROWNS at Baltimore Ravens (-2)
All I’m saying about this game is; if the Browns lose, I’m rooting for the Steelers, buying a portrait of Art Model and cutting off the sleeves to all my hoodies. A reverse jinx might be the only way to solve this season.

Sunday Night

DALLAS COWBOYS (-3) at Green Bay Packers
Turns out I may have been wrong about Rogers. I’m still on the fence about him. But if he pulls this game out of his ass, the Packers will be the team to beat in the NFC. I should have factored in Brett Farve on the cover of Madden in my preseason predictions. But up until now there hasn’t been a precedent set for a reverse Madden jinx. I’m going with Cowboys though because I just can’t say no to T.O.

Monday Night

New York Jets at SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (-9)
This is the week the Chargers get back on track and the Jets go down the tube. But what the hell do I know? I’m 0-3 on Monday Night games.

Last Week — 10-5 (Ravens/Texans did not play)

Overall — 20-11