Olympic Red Eye Madness

I’ve spent the last few days watching countless hours of fantasy football reports. ESPN.com has been my Mecca and Mathew Berry has been my Dalai Lama. I’ve been looking at last year stats, this year’s schedule and breaking down every position and every player like I’m looking for the Green River Killer. But after the twentieth straight hour of researching and smelling slightly better than Arty Lang after a binge, I realized a few things:

A) I don’t like fantasy football. I don’t like rooting for anyone who is playing the Browns and/or is in the same conference as the Browns.

B) Every fantasy football league has different rules and different scoring systems. Some leagues have 8 teams, others have 10. Some let you start two Qbs, others let you start only one. And some leagues value WRs over QBs, others value QBs over RBs.

C) Finally, the decision to rank fantasy players was a stupid idea in the first place and turned out to be a waste of time. There are too many first tier players that have nagging injuries and too many second tier players are still fighting for a starting job.

I went cold turkey this morning at 8 A.M. but I couldn’t sleep. The caffeine cocktail of espresso and Monster had me wired like a three year old. Sleeping was out of the question so I searched the 1000+ channels I have for basic cable classics such as Road House, Point Break and Red Dawn. Unfortunately it was too early for even Spike TV to air Patrick Swayze marathons of movies “that are so terribly bad that they are legendary”. The good news was that CNBC, MSNBC and USA Network were covering the Olympics and combined, helped to fill the void of crappy 80’s movies. After watching a few hours of Olympics, I couldn’t believe some of the garbage “activities” that are considered “Olympic Sports”. So it got me thinking about which of these so-called-sports should go and the sports that should replace them.

Sports less entertaining and relevant than Tyler Perry

Table Tennis

Two things that bother me about table tennis besides the obvious lack of physical ability required to play table tennis. One: anything that is listed on a clipboard of activities in retirement homes can not be an Olympic sport. Two: Forest Gump excelled in table tennis but got to the fifth grade based on his mother’s morally casual attitude. I really don’t know how the Olympic Committee is passing table tennis of as a sport. If they are going to call this “an Olympic sport” why not toss in pool and darts? At least these “athletes” have cool nicknames like “black widow”.

Shooting and Archery

You know what’s more boring than New Yankee Workshop with Norm Abram? Twenty or so men and women who look like Norm Abram wearing flannel from head to toe shooting air soft pistols and arrows. Shooting and archery are separate events but lets call a spade a spade; they are the same god awful thing. Charles Heston is smoking a filtered light cigarette in Hell because he made a bet that no one cared about people shooting an air pistol or an arrow at a stationary target. At least give the shooters a hand-cannon like a Desert Eagle that has some kick and make the archers’ shoot a deer. No instead they are shooting air soft pistols that wouldn’t scare Woody Allen and arrows that haven’t been relevant since 17^th century.

Synchronized Swimming

Anything that Vegas uses to greet old white people as they arrive off Greyhound Buses can not be considered an Olympic sport. Seriously it is a glorified doggy paddle. I could write thirty pages on why synchronized swimming is neither a sport nor swimming. But I think the more important issue here is; who dreams of becoming an Olympic synchronized swimmer? More than likely they were forced into this “sport” at an early age by psychotic underachieving parents who failed at their own dreams.

Equestrian

Should the Westminster Dog Show be apart of the Olympics? No! And neither should a horse show which is what equestrian is. This is the only Olympic sport that can truly remove the word “sport” from the title. The jockeys do as much physical activity as Chris “Jesus” Ferguson does during the World Series of Poker. Good call on the Olympic Committee on getting rid of baseball and softball in favor for a pony show. This really boosts the ratings in the “I don’t know where the remote is but I’m too high to care or move” demographic.

The Modern Pentathlon

I know atheists don’t believe in a God but they will at least believe in be in a Satan after watching the modern pentathlon. This is the “Murderers Row” of worthless Olympic sports; shooting, fencing, swimming and equestrian. Seriously, what is the reason for this being an Olympic sport? In case a nuclear winter happens and we have to resort to 11^th century technology? Who in the hell says, “you know what? After I shoot an air pistol there is nothing better than fighting a person with another non-lethal weapon, taking a swim and riding a horse? If they got rid of the modern pentathlon, the Summer Olympics could get rid of 90% of the Olympic events that the participants would choose waterboarding over watching. The modern pentathlon is the “worst of all worlds” it combines sports that no one cares about but tries to save face by including swimming. Nothing annoys more than people trying to defend the modern pentathlon because “it is tradition”. Like Bob Dylan said in the 60’s, “the times they are a changing”. People care about the tradition of modern pentathlon like they care about the tradition of hunting and gathering; not really.

Who does Charlie Sheen have to bang to get these sports in the Olympics?

Golf

Ten years ago I thought golf was as interesting as fly fishing. Now I have to admit I love me some golf…as long as Tiger is playing. Watching Tiger Woods dominate the US Open on one leg was amazing. I mean doesn’t Tiger Woods deserve a shot at a gold medal? Someone needs to get on this and make this happen because the next summer Olympics are in Great Britain. Name a better place to bring back golf as an Olympic sport. Also not every country in the world has basketball courts or volleyball pits. But I can guarantee every country in the world has a golf course. I bet even Kim Jong-il plays a round of 18. Just don’t mark the bogeys or you might have to take a math “re-education” course at “summer camp”.

Rally Car

When I lived in Italy racing was second best only to soccer. Not the “lets see who can go the fastest around a circle for 8 hours” NASCAR racing. It was all Formula 1 and rally car. Rally car was by far the most entertaining and the most intense. These guys race on course that is a mix between street and off-road tracks. They hit a 35 foot gap on the street course than have to slide around mountainside corners at about 60 MPH. Rally car is raced all around the world and there is no excuse for this not to be an Olympic sport. Especially when there are horses jumping 5 foot high obstacles. There are virtually no human elements involved in equestrian where as if the rally car driver doesn’t hit each turn exactly right; the driver and co-driver will meet their medical insurance co-pay.

Rugby

This is another sport that I can’t wrap my head around why it is not an Olympic sport. What more can you ask for on an entertainment level? Rugby is basically a tougher, more physical and quicker version of football. And the whole world actually plays it! You can’t tell me that more people would watch the gold medal round of synchronized swimming over a qualifying round of rugby. This is another sport that would be great to bring back at the 2012 games in London. Too bad it won’t happen because shooting an air pistol is more athletically challenging.

Skateboarding

There is legitimate hope for skateboarding becoming an Olympic event. Snowboarding is working out in the winter Olympics and BMX racing was interesting to watch this year. But nothing can compare to the skateboarding half-pipe and big air. Skateboarding at that level makes all other sports seem doable. I have a better chance of beating Michael Phelps than jumping a 70 ft gap and doing a 1080 off a 27 ft high quarter-pipe. I honestly don’t know how those guys do it. It just seems impossible to do and unthinkable to try. Charlie Sheen if you’re listening… I don’t care if it is Bea Arthur; suck it up, take one for the team and make it happen.