How I saw it as it happened: USA vs. Greece

8:00—I have a feeling this game isn’t going to turn out well for the Greeks. I still don’t understand how USA doesn’t win every international competition. It makes me want to pull a Lateral Sprewell on every commentator/journalist/reporter that gives the excuse: “The NBA guys don’t know how to play international basketball. It is a different style than they are used to.” First off, these guys are the best of the best. That’s why they play in the NBA not in some Euro trash league. Secondly, it’s a crappy excuse. It’s like saying Adrian Peterson couldn’t play in the CFL because the field is 110 yards instead of 100.

8:03—Team USA’s starting lineup is LeBron, Carmelo Anthony, Dwight Howard, Jason Kidd and Kobe Bryant. Why is Jason Kidd starting? Is he the “we need him on the court for his veteran leadership guy?” Clearly Chris Paul is better than Jason Kidd. Carmelo Anthony is also starting ahead of Chris Bosh and I feel like he is overrated too because A) he wasn’t a bust like Darko and B) there was some “talk” about the Cavs picking him over LeBron.

8:05—Greece gets the tipoff and Kobe quickly takes out his frustration by punching Dimitrios Dimantdisisisis as Antonios Fostsisisisis slams down the first dunk of the night.

8:08—Melo kills my overrated theory by nailing a contested three.

8:10—Quick side note, I’m watching the game online and there are no audio commentators. There is just a closed caption sidebar that gives a text transcript of the commentary. I have to admit, I like the no commentators but I am missing out on them butchering every single Greek player’s name.

8:12—Kobe is still broke from the perimeter and the rest of Team USA is looking like a combination of Charles Barkley after the Monstars stole his basketball talent and before the Mavericks realized they had been tricked into believing Shawn Bradley ever had talent; plain awful.

8:13—Coach K finally gets Kidd off the floor. Chris Bosh, Dwanye Wade and Chris Paul come in. Hold on…Greece has a huge black center. I can’t wait to see his name. I’m reading the sidebar and the commentator says his name is…Baby Shaq?! Did Shaq F his way through Europe like he did in L.A. and Miami? The commentator quickly clears things up and explains that is his nickname. His real name is Sofokils Schortsantis. Thank God for that clarification because without it I would have no choice but to assume Shaq is the international version of Shawn Kemp.

8:14—Another turnover by the US, Greece up 13-9…good stuff so far from Team USA.

8:15—LeBron ends the scoring abortion by throwing down a dunk.

8:16—Bosh closes his eyes and chucks the ball into the first row. Looking at Chris Bosh it gets me thinking. Why does no one call him MC Gusto? He looks like he could have been Chris Rock’s stand-in the movie CB4. Or why not just call him CB4? His name is Chris Bosh and his jersey number is 4. Someone in the Raptors organization needs to get him some Soul Glow and a gold tooth ASAP.

8:18—MC Gusto turns over the ball again. This is blowing my mind. It’s like bizarro world out there. Team USA can’t pass, score or rebound, Greece has a huge black man playing center and Team USA are tied with Greece who has zero NBA players on their roster. If Coack K calls up the Bird Man, Luke Walton, and Wally Szczerbiak and whitewashes the court my head is going to explode.

8:21—Team USA forces a shot clock violation and D Wade flies down the court for a huge put back but is crossed checked by Shaqsantisisis.

8:22—End of the first quarter. Team USA is some how up 20-16. They are getting dominated in the paint and missing the majority of their jump shots. But they are playing good defense and taking advantage of every fast-break opportunity against the slower Greek Team.

8:25—Team USA starts off the second quarter with a Wade to Kobe alley-oop followed by another huge dunk from Dwight Howard.

8:26—Lebron James’s turn to throw down a huge dunk. Team USA is done with slow half court basketball and is pushing the tempo in transition. The result is a defense playing on their toes and huge dunks.

8:27—And just to prove my point wrong Kobe misses a wide open alley-oop.

8:29—MC Gusto is raped underneath by Konstantinos Tsartsaris. Team USA can not play inside versus Greece. They are getting hammered in the low post. If Greece can slow down Team USA’s transition basketball by instilling Brendan Haywood defense; Team USA is going to be in trouble because they look soft.

8:32—D Wade gets hammered again in the low post. Forget about the whitewash, Coach K needs to call Ron Artest. All Coach K would have to do is say, “Ron, I know you’re busy watching Scarface on Spike representing your culture but Shaqsantisisis said you’re not really ghetto until you fight a Greek in Beijing.” Artest would hang-up his diamond platted Sidekick, get on the first flight to China, land, put on a jersey, punch a few people in the face, scream—in English first, then in Greek and Mandarin just so there isn't any confusion—“I’m still ghetto bitch,” lay down on the scorers table than head back to either his mansion in Sacramento or Houston just in time to catch Scarface on Cinemax.

8:35—And we’re back! Back to Team USA missing every shot from the perimeter and passing the ball like it is a live grenade.

8:37—More easy points in the paint for Greece. The score is now 36-28 Team USA but eight points is far from a comfortable lead. Especially since Team USA has decided to attempt to block every single inside shot by jumping wildly at every pump fake. Team USA can not play in the post on either side of the ball without Dwight Howard in the game and that is fact. Without Dwight Howard in the game, Team USA might as well sub in old white guys who play in the “still trying to fulfill high school dreams” league at the YMCA.

8:40—HUGE reverse dunk by LeBron and now Team USA is rolling up by 16.

8:43—MC Gusto thrown to the ground again. Where is Dead Mike and Stab Master Arson when he needs them?

8:45—While keeping his dribble, LeBron James shows off his break dancing skills by quickly regaining his footing after slipping to hardwood and finishes with a layup. I swear to Christ, if he leaves the Cavs I’m going on a steady diet of Jameson and Zoloft.

8:46—And that’s the half. Team USA up 51-32. Some quick halftime notes:

—Team USA is playing good defense but Greece is punishing Wade, Bosh, and Kobe inside like Drago punished Creed.

—There has been a lot of fouls but a lot of legit fouls. The refs are letting them play physical and they aren’t calling touch fouls like in the NBA. Maybe this is why every player from Team USA looks softer than Shia LaBeouf.

—Team USA has 8 steals and 16 points off turnovers compared to Greece’s 2 points off Team USA’s 9 turnovers. Team USA is 3/9 from behind the three point line and Greece is a whopping 0/7.

—And I just saw on ESPN that the Cavs got Mo Williams from the Bucks for Damon Jones and Joe Smith. Upside is that Mo Williams is actually good at basketball as compared to Jones and isn’t a season away from playing in the wheelchair league like Joe Smith. Two downsides, first, no one—and I mean no one—will ever come close to matching the unintentional comedy of D Jones. Seriously, name one other player in the NBA that calls TNT the day before a game and demands to be mic’d up? Second, would have liked to seen Varejao go in this deal besides Joe Smith. I know Joe Smith has been technically dead since Maryland but he could shoot and play some D. Varejao is pretty much all around awful. He hustles, gets rebounds and loose balls. But his hustle translates into either an epileptic seizure that resembles a jump shot or even worse him attempting to dribble.

9:01—Good God…Team USA has decided to start the third quarter with Jason Kidd over Chris Paul or Dwayne Wade. I guess Coach K is trying to prove the last few seasons were a fluke and that his career isn’t deteriorating faster than Mike Myers.

9:03—Melo gets hacked underneath. As Jim Ross would say “business is about to pick up”. The fouls are getting harder and the “What the F!” stare backs are getting longer. Coach K needs to bring in Carlos Boozer and his Teen-Wolf body hair as an equalizer.

9:06—Greece just hit back to back threes making the score 55-37. Team USA follows up with a monstrous air ball. The non-USA fans in the arena start to chant “air ball”. Too bad they aren’t chanting in unison and they can’t decide whether to chant in broken English, Greek or Chinese. Got to love it when foreigners try to be cool by attempting to copy Americans. My personal all-time favorite “are I not cool like American” is when I see people wearing the neon pink Nike shirt from 1987 complete with the unfitted Chicago Bulls hat and the crotch fitted stonewash jeans.

9:10—Jason Kidd spikes the ball off the backboard and decides he wants to feed an alley-oop to LeBron even though there are three Greek defenders chasing him.

9:10—Coach K tells Kidd, “Maybe you better sit the next play out champ,” and Kidd heads back to the bench.

9:12—Back to back huge blocks by LeBron and Bosh. Maybe this is a sign that LeBron is going to play this defense this year for the Cavs.

9:20—End of the third quarter. Team USA up big 74-54. 18 turnovers by Greece has translated to 23 points by Team USA. Side note: I think during a lighthearted conversation about Aristotle over some baklava and Ouzo, Shaquille O’Neal causally mentioned to Shaqsantisisis that it would be okay with him if Shaqsantisisis decided to end Dwayne Wade’s and Kobe Bryant’s career. Every time one of them drives to the hoop Shaqsantisisis goes out of his way to take them out. I think it is payback for not backing his mix-tape.

9:22—Start of the fourth quarter. Jason Kidd is on the bench looking like Pvt. Pyle from Full Metal Jacket after being beaten with pillow cases full of soap.

9:32—I’ve officially checked out of this game. Team USA is up 82-58 and everyone is getting a chance to play. The artist formerly known as Tayshaun Prince before he changed his name to Nicole Richie has entered the game. And you know it is officially summer because Carlos Boozer has shed his winter coat. It’s a bold strategy to shave eight pounds of body hair off before international competition. Let’s see how this plays out.

9:37—Boozer misses a wide open pass that his chest hair would have engulfed easily. Also I can’t imagine how good the Cavs would be with Boozer instead of having to play Varejao or Wallace. But I guess living in the fast paced, culturally diverse and non-discriminating community of Salt Lake City has to better than playing with LeBron James…right?

9:42—Game, set, match…Greece gets stomped 92-69 by Team USA. Bring on the gold. Team USA is back and ready to reassert their world dominance. Check back Sunday for my preview of the Cleveland Browns.